How do you become comfortable in your own skin?
Is it about learning to love yourself? Discovering the beauty in your dimple-ridden smile or the curve of your stomach? Or does comfortability come from acceptance? Accepting that you are flawed and loving yourself anyway?
Either way, I don't know how. I don't know how to be happy with myself. Beauty standards and insecurities are said to be a staple of teenage life. I get it, it's not just me. Supposedly, it's everyone. All other nineteen year old girls and all other nineteen year old boys will have the same insecurities about themselves that I do. It's 'normal'.
Then why do I feel so god damn alone in this? Why does everyone else seem to be coping with their flaws, accepting them or learning to love them? I feel like I'm drowning in my own skin - it doesn't feel like mine. My skin shouldn't be plagued with scratches, scars and saucer-sized eczema patches. My skin shouldn't be stretched over hefty thighs and a wobbly stomach. I should be beautiful. I shouldn't be hiding away my skin from the world, horribly embarrassed of what they might think. I shouldn't be hiding my skin from myself, disgusted with my own body. I should be beautiful, but every time I see myself I'm reminded that I am far from beautiful. And not in an attention grabbing, modest kind of way. It is with total honesty when I say I feel utterly grotesque.
I've tried to diet. I've tried to change my style, my look, my clothes. I've tried to seek dermatological help for my skin (many, many times). But nothing has worked. I'm still too tall, too wide. My facial features too large to be considered attractive. My skin so covered in eczema that I remain almost permanently covered up. I have tried so hard to accept that this it. This is who I am and try as I might, I can't change it. I've tried to listen to my partner who loves me, and loves my body. But I can't believe what he says. The prospect of a lifetime ahead of me feeling like this is terrifying. I'm terrified.